The invention of the airplane began with the question, “Why can’t humans fly?” Similarly, the laws of heredity and universal gravitation emerged from simple yet profound questions like, “Why do green peas only produce green peas?” and “Why does an apple always fall downward?” Great scientific discoveries originate from curiosity-driven questions.
Even without these grand scientific examples, our daily lives are filled with questions. From small, everyday decisions like “What should I eat?”, “What should I wear?”, “Where did I put my phone?” or “Which route has the least traffic?” to more life-altering questions such as “What career should I pursue?”, “Should I marry this person?”, or “How should I raise my children?”, life is a continuous process of asking and answering.
Questions do more than satisfy curiosity—they play a crucial role in building relationships and fostering communication. Every conversation begins with a question, and the exchange of questions and answers is the essence of communication. A conversation without questions becomes a one-sided assertion rather than a meaningful dialogue.
There is a Korean saying: “You can measure water ten fathoms deep, but not the human heart even one.” However, asking questions allows us to gain insight into others, which not only provides necessary information but also their thoughts, and narrow differences, opening paths for deeper understanding. In a way, a question is like knocking on someone’s heart—it’s an invitation for them to open up.
The Benefits of Asking Questions
When struggling to start a conversation, nothing works better than a simple question. Saying, “Honey, it’s cloudy today. Do you think I should bring an umbrella? Did you check the weather forecast?” not only gathers information but also serves as an easy way to initiate a conversation.
Questions help gauge the other person’s mood and willingness to engage in discussion, and can also affect the quantity and quality of conversation. By asking follow-up questions and responding to answers, a simple exchange can turn into a meaningful, lasting conversation.
People enjoy expressing their thoughts and experiences, seeking to be heard and understood. Genuine listening validates their sense of acknowledgment. Just as curiosity sparks interest in engaging topics, asking questions demonstrates sincere regard for others. It is natural to feel comfortable and build trust with those who show genuine interest.
Questions can also help prevent conflicts. When encountering unexpected or frustrating behavior, it’s crucial to ask before reacting. Instead of making assumptions or becoming upset, first seek to understand their perspective: Why did they act this way? What factors influenced their decision? Gaining insight into the context behind their actions can foster understanding and help avoid unnecessary arguments.
A documentary once conducted an experiment with kindergarteners, dividing them into three groups during playtime. The first group was given a direct instruction, “Play only with building blocks.” The second group was encouraged, “It would be great to start with building blocks. What do you think?” The third group was simply asked, “What would you like to play with?” and allowed to choose freely.
After 20 minutes, when the teacher permitted them to switch activities, the first two groups quickly moved on to something new. However, the children in the third group—who had made their own choice—continued playing for much longer.
Questions enable open and free communication. Rather than giving unilateral instructions, engaging in a process of asking and answering allows individuals to make their own choices, fostering stronger motivation and a greater sense of responsibility. Acting voluntarily and proactively enhances their sense of fulfillment and enjoyment, ultimately increasing the likelihood of achieving positive outcomes.
Good Questions Lead to Good Answers
When asked a question, children sometimes respond dismissively with “Yes,” “No,” or “I don’t know.” However, this often reflects an issue with the question itself rather than the answer. If the response is unsatisfactory,it’s worth considering how the question was phrased—because the way a question is asked directly shapes the answer it elicits. In short, good questions lead to good answers.
Good questions keep conversations flowing, while poorly phrased ones can shut them down. Questions like, “Why do you always come home late?” or “Didn’t I tell you not to do that?” “That method is wrong, don’t you agree?” often sound accusatory, demand accountability, or pressure the listener into a pre-determined response. As a result, they fail to invite meaningful dialogue.
A good question evokes positive emotions and encourages a willing response. If the goal is simply to confirm facts—such as “Did you finish your homework?” or “Did you eat?”—short yes/no questions suffice. However, if you want to build a closer relationship by encouraging someone to share their thoughts and feelings, open-ended questions work best. Expressing genuine curiosity about their interests or expertise, or seeking their advice, helps boost their confidence and fosters deeper connections.
Knocking on a door before entering is a considerate act—but if done too aggressively, it can feel more like a threat than a courtesy. Similarly, questions asked without care can sound like interrogation. Even when driven by genuine curiosity, the way a question is framed—through tone, facial expression, voice, and gesture—greatly influences how it is received.
Before abruptly posing a question, it’s polite to ask permission, such as “May I ask you something?” or “Do you have a moment to talk?” Additionally, providing context can prevent unnecessary confusion. Instead of simply asking “What are you doing this weekend?” you could say “I was thinking of going to the park this weekend—would you like to join me?” This makes your intent clear and encourages a more comfortable response.
Rewording Harsh Questions Into Gentle Ones
To a child reluctant to go to school:
“Why don’t you want to go to school?” → “What’s making you not want to go to school?”
To someone struggling with a task:
“Why can’t you do something this simple?” → “How do you think you can improve next time?”
To a family member who came home late:
“What time do you call this? Why are you so late?” → “I was worried about you. What happened?”
When someone seems upset:
“What’s your problem?” → “Would you like to talk about what’s bothering you?”
When checking on a request:
“Did you do what I asked or not?” → “How did things go with what I asked?”
When someone encounters a difficult situation:
“Do you really think you can handle this alone?” → “How can I support you?”
Ask to Listen, Not to Speak
If you ask questions solely to achieve a personal goal, the conversation can become one-sided, causing the other person to become defensive. As a result, their response may not align with your intended outcome.
The true purpose of a question is to prompt the other person to reflect and to understand their thoughts. In other words, the one asking should be genuinely prepared to listen with an open mind. Cutting off the answer to share your own thoughts, ignoring the other person’s response, asking unrelated questions, or abruptly changing the topic without acknowledging their input can make the other person feel ignored.
To be a good listener, you must remain open-minded. If you’ve already decided, ‘This is the answer I expect,’ you may judge the other person’s response before they even speak. True communication happens when you approach the conversation with thoughts like, ‘I could be wrong,’ ‘There’s something I can learn from them,’ and ‘I want to understand them better.’ When you open your heart and listen with genuine interest and respect, you can ask thoughtful questions at the right moments, making the conversation more engaging and meaningful.
Even if the response isn’t what you expected, try to off er positive feedback. Rather than judging or criticizing by saying, “That’s just the way you are!”—which can sound dismissive—be open and receptive with a response like, “Oh, that’s an interesting perspective.” Sometimes, it’s better not to ask a question at all than to disregard an answer simply because it contradicts your own views.
When asking a question, it is important to create a safe environment where individuals feel confident expressing themselves. If someone thinks, ‘There’s no point in saying what I really think,’ or ‘Will answering this way cause a problem?’ they may hold back their true thoughts and give only surface-level responses. When the respondent feels safe, they are more likely to share genuine answers.
Psychologist Marilee Adams, in her book, emphasizes that the questions we ask shape our thoughts, which in turn influence our mindsets and actions. She suggests that positive and constructive questions lead to more effective and positive outcomes.
“What’s making you so happy today?” “Dad, what was your greatest dream when you were young?” and “What class do you enjoy the most?” are all great examples of positive questions. When you ask sincere questions to family members, they feel loved—even without hearing the words “I love you.” Similarly, when you listen and respond positively to those you care about, they gain emotional strength, even without hearing “Cheer up.” A gentle knock opens the door to each other’s hearts, allowing warmth and happiness to flow in.
