“An apple is red and round. A banana is yellow and long.”
Neuroscientists explain that the human brain perceives objects by comparing them to others. This process helps us recognize similarities and differences. Even when choosing a beverage, we compare taste, price, brand, and packaging to make a better decision.
However, we often place not only objects but even human beings with inherent dignity on an invisible scale of comparison. We measure ourselves by comparing personality, appearance, wealth, abilities, and family background to others. Even our loved ones become subjects of comparison: “Our neighbor’s child is already trying to walk, but our child can’t even stand,” or “The family next door got a new car—when will we get one?” From birth, whether we intend it or not, we are constantly compared to others—and we do the same in return.
Comparison is a universal and natural human tendency. The real problem lies not in comparison itself, but in the emotional turbulence it creates—the constant swing between inferiority and superiority.
Is Comparison a Measure of Happiness?
In Korea, there’s a saying that goes, “When your cousin buys land, you get a stomachache”—capturing the jealousy people feel when someone close to them succeeds. As it turns out, this emotion is not limited to humans. In one study, researchers placed two monkeys in separate cages and trained them to complete tasks. When one monkey received a slice of cucumber as a reward, it accepted it contentedly—until it saw the other monkey receive a grape. The first monkey immediately changed its behavior, threw the cucumber back, and began shaking the cage in protest.
American cultural critic H. L. Mencken once said, “A wealthy man is one who earns $100 more than his brother-in-law.” Echoing this sentiment, economist Richard Easterlin conducted an experiment in which students had to choose between two scenarios: earning $100,000 while their peers earn $200,000, or earning $50,000 while their peers earn $25,000. Surprisingly, two-thirds opted for the latter, favoring relative advantage over absolute income.
Comparison comes in two forms: upward and downward. We compare ourselves to those who seem better (upward comparison) or worse (downward comparison). The more we engage in upward comparison, the more stress and inferiority we feel, and the less self-esteem and satisfaction we have. Downward comparison may off er temporary comfort, but the superiority it brings is often accompanied by an uneasy feeling: “Is this truly justifiable?” “Is it really pleasant?”
If we rely on comparison to feel good, it will just as easily make us feel bad. Though comparison may seem like a standard for happiness, we cannot achieve true happiness when our emotions constantly rise and fall based on how we measure up to others.
Happy People Are Less Affected by Comparison
Professor Sonja Lyubomirsky of the University of California, Riverside, conducted an experiment in which participants performed the same task but received different types of feedback. Some were told they had performed well by absolute standards but worse than others, while others were told they had performed poorly in absolute terms but better than most. The researchers then analyzed the participants’ responses to the feedback based on their previously measured happiness scores.
Those with lower happiness scores placed greater importance on how they measured up to others rather than on their actual performance, and their mood fluctuated accordingly. In contrast, those with higher happiness scores were satisfied with their own performance, regardless of how others had done. In other words, their sense of happiness was less dependent on comparison.
We may not know whether people are happy because they avoid comparison, or they avoid comparison because they’re happy. But what’s clear is that happy people tend to focus more on their own lives. They compare less—whether consciously or unconsciously—and instead reflect on what kind of life they want to live and what truly makes them happy. They cherish what they have. As an ancient philosopher once said: “Do not neglect what you have while longing for what you lack. What you have now was once among the things you hoped for.” Happiness lies not in having more or being better than others, but in being content with what you already have.
Just like a shape can appear larger or smaller depending on what surrounds it—a visual illusion—the happiness or unhappiness that arises from comparison is equally deceptive. True value and lasting happiness are not found through measuring ourselves against others, but are created through gratitude and contentment.
The Art of Wise Comparison
Hector and the Search for Happiness, a novel by psychiatrist François Lelord, offers 23 insights into what it means to live a happy life—the very first being: “Don’t compare yourself to others.” Yet even with the best of intentions, avoiding comparison altogether is easier said than done. Like an unwelcome guest, comparison tends to appear uninvited. The goal, then, is not to eliminate it completely but to let go of harmful comparisons and cultivate the habit of using it in ways that lead to positive, constructive outcomes.
To use comparison well, we must focus only on its neutral, practical function: distinguishing differences. Saying “apples are red and round” and “bananas are yellow and long” does not imply one is better than the other—they are simply different. Just as people live with a variety of personalities, values, and lifestyles, our lives are also diverse. Acknowledging that not everyone can be the same helps guard against negative emotions caused by comparison.
If we refuse to let comparison erode our self-worth or inflate our ego, it can become a helpful guidepost. When we recognize others’ strengths, we can choose to learn from them—not out of envy, but inspiration. This doesn’t mean they are better in every way. Everyone has areas of strength and weakness. Those who appear lacking often excel in other unseen ways. Instead of trying to rank ourselves, we can acknowledge others’ strengths and use them as motivation to grow while preserving our inner peace.
Those obsessed with surpassing others sometimes end up destroying themselves. Wise people don’t compare themselves with others, but with their past selves. They examine how much they’ve grown and assess how close they are to the future they dream of.
When we seek happiness and self-worth through comparison with others, everyone around us turns into a competitor. As a result, it becomes difficult to genuinely rejoice in someone else’s joy. But when we can truly celebrate another person’s good fortune, that’s when real love and friendship begin—and we keep ourselves from falling into loneliness.
Life is not a zero-sum game.* The fact that someone else appears more successful or happier doesn’t diminish our own worth or joy. True happiness begins when we stop measuring our well-being against the fortunes or misfortunes of others and instead cultivate gratitude and contentment from within. When we do, the illusion falls away, and we discover a happiness that endures—even in the face of life’s external pressures.
* In game theory, a zero-sum game is one in which the gains of one participant are exactly offset by the losses of another. Since the loser’s loss is directly equal to the winner’s gain, such games inevitably lead to fierce competition.
