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The Tin Woodman from The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, the wooden puppet Pinocchio from The Adventures of Pinocchio, and the boy robot David from the film A.I. Artificial Intelligence all share one thing in common: they long to have a human heart. Although they have human forms and speak like people, they are fundamentally different from humans because they do not possess a heart.
The “heart” is what sets human beings apart from all other creatures and belongs only to us. What, then, is the heart? The word heart appears in many expressions: open one’s heart, speak from the heart, follow one’s heart, take something to heart, pour one’s heart out, set one’s heart on something, have a change of heart, have a heavy heart, and so on. The heart refers to our entire inner being, including both cognitive and emotional aspects such as thoughts, will, desires, and feelings. If asked where the heart resides, some may point to the brain while others point to the chest. Yet few would disagree that this unseen heart quietly governs our lives.
Language is the means by which we express this invisible heart. At its core, life is about relationships, and relationships are built through words—through conversation. Although we spend our entire lives speaking, being eloquent does not necessarily mean communicating well. Linguistic ability and communicative ability are not the same. We often experience situations in which the very words meant to express our hearts instead block communication. This happens because we fail to express our hearts properly.
Conversation is not merely the exchange of words; it is the process of expressing our own hearts and understanding the hearts of others. To communicate well, we must learn how to understand our own hearts and express them clearly, while also learning how to rightly understand the hearts hidden within another person’s words. Words are only a means; the essence of every relationship lies in the heart. Therefore, we must pay attention to the heart above all.
True Conversation Begins When Hearts Are Shared
When medical accidents occur in hospitals, they often lead to lawsuits. Out of concern that an apology might be taken as an admission of fault in court, hospitals may hesitate to apologize, while patients turn to litigation. In the early 2000s, however, the University of Michigan Health System introduced a program that encouraged medical staff to speak honestly with patients and offer sincere apologies when errors occurred. As a result, the number of medical malpractice claims dropped from 262 per year to 83 within six years. Because the patients felt understood through those sincere apologies, conflicts were less likely to escalate into lawsuits.
Hearts are moved by hearts. To touch another person’s heart, our words must come from the heart. Words have the power to strengthen and comfort those in pain precisely because they are filled with genuine feeling. The outcome of a conversation can differ greatly depending on whether hearts are truly shared. When people feel emotionally connected, bonds of trust and closeness grow, creating a sense of security, closeness, and happiness. Even words that are difficult to accept can be received with openness—and may even inspire changes in behavior.
Especially with those closest to us, we must share our hearts honestly if we hope to sustain a healthy relationship over time. When we assume, “They’ll understand how I feel without me saying anything,” or “I already know how they feel,” and fail to express our own hearts or ask about the other person’s feelings, we may find ourselves struggling to communicate when it matters most. The closer the relationship, the more we must learn to adjust to and understand one another. For that reason, we need to express our hearts openly: “This is how I feel about this situation—what do you think?” We should also speak openly about what we are grateful for, what we are sorry for, and what makes us uncomfortable. When we truly understand one another’s hearts, even conflicts become easier to resolve.
Whether we are comforting a family member who is upset, offering advice out of care, apologizing for a mistake, or expressing love, there is one thing to remember: we must reach the other person’s heart. True conversation is conversation that expresses the heart and understands the heart of another.
Expressing the Heart Clearly and Safely
“I’m only saying this for your own good—why can’t you understand how I feel?”
You have likely said or heard something like this before. When someone fails to recognize our true intentions, it can feel deeply hurtful. The more important that person is to us, the stronger our disappointment and resentment can become. Yet one thing is certain: no one can see directly into another’s heart. Others can only perceive our words and actions. If our feelings are not understood, we should first look within ourselves rather than blaming the other person.
It is a misconception to assume that our words and actions will convey our hearts exactly as we intend them to. It is equally unreasonable to expect others to understand our hearts regardless of how we express them. No matter how sincere our intentions may be, if they are delivered in a critical tone, spoken with harsh words, or accompanied by a cold expression, that sincerity can easily be lost.
The key to communication is not simply what is in our hearts, but how we express it. It is about making the invisible visible—allowing others to understand our hearts through our words, expressions, and actions. When good intentions are conveyed with thoughtful expression, there is no need to feel hurt and say, “I’m only saying this for your own good.” Instead, the other person will naturally feel, “They’re saying this because they care about me.”
To express our hearts clearly, we must first learn to recognize them accurately. Especially when negative emotions arise, we tend to lose sight of what we truly feel and react impulsively instead. Discomfort often stems from unmet expectations. When we express our feelings honestly—expressing what is truly in our hearts rather than reacting impulsively—we are better able to regulate ourselves, and our message is received more safely by others. For example, when someone’s words upset us, instead of responding sharply with “Why would you say that?” we might say, “I feel hurt when I hear that.” This conveys our feelings far more gently and effectively.
People often say, “Think before you speak.” But what we should reflect on is not simply how to polish our words. Rather, we should take time to understand our hearts—why we feel the way we do, and what we truly hope for from the other person. Only then can we express ourselves in a way that is both clear and emotionally safe. In other words, we must ask ourselves whether our words truly carry our hearts.
Understanding the Heart behind the Words
Understanding another person’s heart is just as important as understanding and expressing our own. When we listen, we should remember that not everyone is skilled at expressing their feelings, and their words may not fully reflect what they truly mean. People often hide their true emotions—pretending to be fine when they are hurt or upset, expressing discomfort through criticism and anger, or even expressing themselves in ways that contradict their true feeling. At times, harsh words may simply reflect a deep desire to be understood.
Some people struggle to express their feelings because they had little opportunity to do so growing up, or because their attempts were met with negative responses. Others may not fully understand their own emotions and therefore do not know how to put them into words. In such cases, if we respond only to what appears on the surface, communication can easily break down. Everyone longs to have their heart understood, especially by those closest to them. When that longing is unmet, it can lead to feelings of distance and quiet frustration.
Sometimes, even when we believe we are being empathetic, we end up judging others by our own standards and making assumptions such as, “They must feel this way.” We may misunderstand someone’s heart and mistake our interpretation for fact. At times, we try to talk them out of their feelings—saying things like, “Why are you making such a big deal out of that?”—or make them even more uncomfortable with remarks like, “That’s why you shouldn’t have done that.”
For this reason, we need to learn to listen not only to what is said, but to the heart behind the words. To truly understand another person, we must place ourselves in their position, believing that there is always a reason behind their words and actions. Beneath every spoken message lies an unspoken need or desire. Before trying to fix their problems, before offering advice, and before judging or reacting, we should give them the space to express themselves comfortably—and listen with genuine attention to what their heart is trying to say.
Artificial intelligence (AI) can analyze and process vast amounts of data with remarkable speed. Yet there is one thing it cannot replace: the human heart. The heart—complex, multifaceted, deep, and delicate—cannot be perfectly understood or replicated by AI. And just as it remains beyond the reach of artificial intelligence, it is no easy task for us either, to truly understand and express our own hearts, or to fully grasp the hearts of others. Even so, we must continue to practice and refine this ability. It is the only path to genuine communication.
To express the heart, we must be attentive to our words. Yet when hearts are truly connected, we are no longer bound by words alone. When we firmly trust that “this person truly cares about me,” even awkward expressions are no longer a major problem. A child, for instance, may come to receive a parent’s anxious words not as nagging, but as love and concern, instead of reacting with, “Stop nagging me.” Likewise, a parent may understand a child’s “I’ll take care of it” not as rejection, but as reassurance. Such trust, however, does not arise overnight—it is built through countless exchanges of sincere words.
Glue binds objects, and cement binds bricks. What binds people together is words spoken from the heart. When such words reach another person’s heart, meaningful changes begin to unfold in each other’s lives.
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